I did not know what to call this feeling. It’s strange and new… yet, I found myself yearning for it. I wanted to protect her. She’s such a small and delicate child, I thought she might disappear if left alone. I wanted to protect her, even if it would cost my life.
I had a wish for the first time in my life. For the first time, I had a reason to live this pointless life. I would gladly sacrifice my life if I could protect her.
I had never felt this way before.
“Of course, I know it must seem out of line for me to step forward, saying I wish to protect her with my tainted hands. Hands that have stolen from so many others in the past, but even so, I truly…”
I was suffocating. I tasted the bitterness from my throat. I felt so terrible about the fact that I even wished for this. It was so gross and disgusting that I felt like I would throw up.
However, I couldn’t surrender.
All that self-sacrifice collapsed in one thought.
What if it broke? What if it crumbled? Suddenly, I was scared. What if I never saw her bright smile again? What was I supposed to do if it broke? The blockage in my chest tightened my breathing.
It was okay to not be on her side. I would be happy to see her from afar, and I would do anything to protect her. It’s okay if I would just watch over her. No, in fact, there was nothing more I’d wish for other than the opportunity of looking over her.
There was no purpose, no conviction, no reason to live. It was a life wherein I only waited for my own death. I continued to live in vain in memory of the Sabbath that my Lord gave me.
That’s how I let go of everything, but I thought I was glad that I was still alive. Never once did I imagine that I would want something.
“…I wish to watch over someone, which reminds me so much of you, grow up safely. Even if my soul isn’t granted salvation, I do not wish to resist my urge to continue living beside her.”
A wish that came with a risk to my own life.
It was okay not to allow it. Even if I were rejected and abandoned, I would find a way to protect her in my own way. What I had hoped for now was something other than the end of my life. That made me happy. I could now see what a burst of joy felt.
“I wish to see the future she will see. I want to be with her as she saw her bright life.”