T/N: My trip’s over 🙁. I’ve been posting very early on my trip due to timing differences. I’ll be going back to work… so postings will resume at it’s somewhat regular time.
YanMingXiu’s face is full of painful sorrow. Any excuses appear to be powerless and futile because nothing can be changed at this point. Even though ZhouXiang is standing in front of him right now, it can't change the fact that this person has died once.
Even without ZhouXiang condemning him, he is so remorseful that he wanted to kill himself. He not only recognized the wrong person but also fell for the wrong person. If ZhouXiang had really died, leaving him painful for the rest of his life would be the best punishment for him.
But ZhouXiang is still alive, even if it was in this unbelievably bizarre way, he didn't care. He didn't care what ZhouXiang had become as long as this is ZhouXiang. He only needs ZhouXiang!
“ZhouXiang. Don’t hate me, give me a chance. Let’s start over. I've made a lot of mistakes but you are still alive. Give me a chance to make it up to you, ZhouXiang…”
These words coming out of YanMingXiu's mouth are something that ZhouXiang didn't even dare to imagine. Every single words and sentences pierced him in his heart. ZhouXiang didn't know how to describe his own feelings; it's both grief and ridiculous.
Before he met YanMingXiu, he was a passionate person. He's not promiscuous but he liked to pursue people who he finds captivating, those who give him a sense of refreshing excitement. After meeting YanMingXiu, he suddenly finds himself to be a very faithful person. At least, he never thought of bringing anyone into his parents’ home. At the time, he sincerely hoped that YanMingXiu would continue to stay.
He put out 100% of his heartfelt sincerity. But YanMingXiu gave him the shame of treating him as a substitute.
On his last phone call with YanMingXiu in the remote small mountain village in Guangxi, he had already given up. Even though he loved YanMingXiu a lot, even though he might not be able to let YanMingXiu go for a while, he has decided to completely give up. He didn’t die with the idea of being with YanMingXiu nor was he reborn with the idea of being with YanMingXiu. When YanMingXiu said these words, it's not that ZhouXiang is not touched, but what he felt was even more heartache.
The pile of horrible bones is clearly ingrained in his mind at this time. Every sentence that YanMingXiu said is such great irony.
ZhouXiang, himself do not have such an open-mind. There is no way he could forgive YanMingXiu. Although his death can't fully be blamed on YanMingXiu’s, but without him, he wouldn't have been driven to such desperation than to accept that documentary work. There is no way….. no way… that after seeing himself becoming a skeleton could he reconcile with YanMingXiu’s just because of his sentence, “I love you.”
That's simply wishful thinking.
ZhouXiang endured all the grievances gushed up to his nasal cavity as he grabbed onto YanMingXiu’s arm and tried to push him away.
Panickly, YanMingXiu continued to embrace him tightly, refusing to let go.
“Let go… let me go first.”
“No… ZhouXiang, no.” He couldn’t let go. ZhouXiang’s resistance terrified him. He didn’t know if he were to let go, would ZhouXiang completely disappear from his world once again.
He can’t endure anymore.
“YanMingXiu, I don’t want to hate you. Don’t force me. Let me go. If you really feel guilty toward me, then leave. This is my home. I asked you to leave three years ago. Now… leave.”
There is no trace of blood on YanMingXiu's face, even his lips is abnormally blue-gray. He looked at ZhouXiang in a daze, his eyelashes drenched with teardrops that would fall when he blinked.
ZhouXiang had never seen YanMingXiu cry.
YanMingXiu is usually coldly indifferent and arrogant. This kind of weak expression with crying and pleading is impossible to appear on his face. But in just ten minutes, he saw it all.
Why didn't he tell him this sentence, “I love you” before his accident? Then all this tragedy would not have happened.
ZhouXiang smiled forcefully, “President Yan, I used to say that you're my ancestor. To think that I also have this day where you actually care for me, you telling me this now, do you think I should cry my heart out or be deeply grateful? If I didn't die, would you not even have looked at the real me and still be deeply in love with WangYuDong your entire life?”
“That's not it.” YanMingXiu’s voice sounded a bit piercing from desperation, "At the time, I already want to be with you. I don't want to move out of your home. I don't want you to be in that movie because I don't want you to have any contact with LanXiRong. With regards to WangYuDong… I…what I did was wrong at the time. I should not have treated you like that because of WangYuDong. At the time…. ZhouXiang, I was only 21 years old. You have to allow me to make mistakes. Please, I beg you. Give me a chance. You coming back alive is God giving me a chance. You also give me a chance. Let's start over. You said that you love me, ZhouXiang…”
ZhouXiang looked at YanMingXiu, the rim of his eyes feeling painfully sore, “YanMingXiu, I've awakened for a year. I have a year's time to tell you but I never intended on doing so. Do you really not understand why?”
YanMingXiu looked at him stiffly.
ZhouXiang slowly and resolutely pushed him away, “God is not giving you a chance but giving me the chance to live again and correct the mistake I made. You are that mistake. I can’t waste the chance this time.” He gently pushed YanMingXiu once, “Leave, get out, this is my home.”
YanMingXiu didn’t move but just stared at him unwaveringly; his expression distorted by pain.
ZhouXiang grabbed his jacket, “You don't leave. I'll leave.” At least YanMingXiu won’t do anything to his condo. He decided to come back another day.
YanMingXiu rushed up a bit frantically; both of them slam to the ground. ZhouXiang’s head hit the ground and got a little dizzy. Before he even regained his senses, something soft smash onto this lips, fiercely kissing him.
ZhouXiang’s eyes widened. When he recovered his senses, he hit and pushed YanMingXiu off his body. With his eyes bloodshot, "YanMingXiu, that's fucking enough! Enough! I want to start (my life) over. I don’t want to repeat the same mistake. If you drop a few tears, say something nice and hope that I will treat you as my ancestor again, I would be sorry to my mom for giving birth to me!” He ruthlessly kicked YanMingXiu once, grabbed his coat and frantically ran out.
It was already four o’clock in the morning. The street is so eerily quiet that it feels scary. On this cold winter day, almost no one would appear on the street at this time. Only ZhouXiang is running alone continuously on the street. If the patrolling police saw him, they'll likely think that he is guilty of some sort of crime.
He didn't know how far he ran. It was as if he was hiding from a flood of beasts. In the end, he could no longer run anymore. He stopped and looked back. No one chased behind. The empty street is like a deep hole that extends continuously into a distance that he can't see clearly, as if it can suck people in to be doomed eternally.
ZhouXiang leaned on the pole and gasped, his tears flooded out. The temperature was already below zero. He obviously wore a thick down jacket but still felt chillingly cold.
It's been ten months since he had awakened. In the past ten months, hardly a day goes by that he could feel relaxed. There is always something on his mind troubling him, constantly making him feel heavily burdened.
Now that everyone whom he had wanted to conceal his identity from already knew the truth, he should be relieved. But YanMingXiu has given him an even bigger shock, making him feel utterly lost.
The things he had never dared to dream of are now clearly happening in front of him. But he was not at all excited. On the contrary, his heart felt somber and desolate.
This is almost like hoping for a pot of water to boil for cooking, but after the water is boiled, the ingredients have already changed.
ZhouXiang raised his hand to slap himself on the face to remind him that when he awakened in this body, he had already let go.
He wrapped his coat tightly around himself and walked aimlessly on the streets in the early hours of Winter; then hailed for a taxi to quickly get home.
In the taxi, his cell phone kept pinging with a series of continuous text messages.
ZhouXiang saw YanMingXiu's name. He deleted all the text messages without reading any.
So this is what it feels like to be heartily drained. He just wants to hide somewhere and sleep for a long time and not wake up.
End of the Chapter